Hrmppphhhh

Occasionally we have a dozy of a visitor to our shop and we smile and grit our teeth and say nothing.  One of our friends was in just a bit ago when one such person came in and he witnessed the whole thing. After the denizen left, he turned to us and said, "Now don't you wish you had said something"?  We replied it just isn't our way.  He then offered up a list of nifty retorts - things I wished I said.  Enjoy:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

An exchange between John Wilkes and the Earl of Sandwich (both English Parliamentarians of the 18th century):
The Earl: “Egad, sir, I do not know whether you will die at the gallows or of the pox.”
–Wilkes: “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your women.

“He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx